Come Here Often?
by KimberlyJane
Summary: A beautiful stranger from the U.S. enters Middle Earth. With hair and eye color that changes with the seasons and a smorgasbord of special powers, the only thing we can say is Add to Favorites!
1. Scene One

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A.N.- Inspired by ClamChowder's Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue. I've been a member of for a while, but I really enjoy this site and decided to post here as well. First to compliment my grasp of Elvish gets a cookie. Thanks! PS- LOTR not mine. Clearly.

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_As we click the title, we immediately regret our decision. Not another one of those! But as we all very well know, "drop ins" can be SO irresistible. We have become accustomed to the formula of it all, and where this story is concerned, we are not disappointed…_

**Scene One: Walking Over Mountains and Plains and Plateaus during which Characters are Described and We meet a Mysterious Stranger.**

_As the nine companions climbed over mountains and other aforementioned land masses, Legolas spots a shadow in the distance. Legolas fires a warning shot and the figure crumbles to the ground in a very graceful manner that still manages to evoke concern from EVERY Fellowship member. Gandalf has a knowing look in his eye when Legolas returns with the figure in his arms, even though he will not explain her significance for another twelve chapters. We are shocked to see that it is a girl dressed in very strange clothing. She cowers from all Fellowship members but Gandalf, despite intimidating hat and messy uncombed beard._

Girl: (Through her very attractive and heart-wrenching tears) Hello, my name is Jessica…I don't know how I got here! I was (napping by the lake/being murdered/sticking my head in the oven) when I woke up here! In case you didn't notice, I am 5'5, have long dark hair and sparkling green eyes. I have never held a weapon before, and I am wearing a sweatshirt strikingly similar to the one the author is wearing while she is writing this. Can you help me?

_We begin to have a sneaking suspicion about where Jessica hails from, and we immediately love her because she is beautiful and in distress._

Gandalf: Welcome to Middle Earth, Lady Jessica.

Jessica: Middle Earth?!? No freaking way! Jesus Christ, this place isn't real! I am stunned that I am in a fictional place and not at all pleased that hundreds of people would give their spleens to be in my position right now! I cannot f-ing BELIEVE this! Shit! Damn!

_We are shocked by the use of bad language and quickly lose out emotional attachment to Jessica. The Author attempts to fix it._

Gandalf: Welcome to Middle Earth, Lady Jessica.

Jessica: Thank you. And who are you all?

_We are now pleased by Jessica's reaction. We can see ourselves in her, even though she comes from a parallel universe without LOTR. We immediately add this fic to favorites._

Gandalf: Let us introduce ourselves. I am Gandalf the Grey. This is characterized by my gray apparel, which will later be discussed at great lengths because the author will be bored writing sexual tension scenes between you and all the attractive males , meaning Legolas and Aragorn.

_Boromir fans click the "back" button._

Aragorn: Hello! I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. I am very hot and have a scruffy beard. I am also bitter concerning areas of kinghood, as I am not one.

_We feel bad for him and are attracted to his scruffyness._

Legolas: Mae govannen. I am Legolas. I am very perfect and funny and sweet and brave in this fic, even though in the films I am devoid of any personality. You love me.

_We do, in fact, love him. We are also impressed by the writer's grasp of the Elvish language._

Gimli: I am Gimli, son of Gloin. I am here to give you someone to bond with. I will also ask you embarrassing questions about your relationships. Do not worry though. I am not annoying.

_We trust him. Wrongly._

Sam: For the purpose of this fic, we hobits accidentally drank a magic potion that makes us your height, making for a more satisfactory love triangle/square/pentagon.

_We are shocked by this plot twist and the way that it makes perfect sense._

Frodo: I am Frodo. You think my eyes are pretty and do not notice my ring, as it is evidently not important to the fate of Middle Earth anymore, and we forget about it for 7 chapters. Though the ring ceases to exist at the moment, I am still pensive because Frodo fans like that.

_Frodo fans cheer. All intelligent fans go back to bed._

Pippin: I am Pippin. I am adorably stupid yet charming. I will make cute comments throughout the fic.

_His stomach growls. This is cute._

Merry: I am Merry. No one really bothers with me. Sometimes it feels like-

Gandalf: You are welcome to join us on our very important yet now irrelevant quest. Now notice again how hot Legolas is.

Jessica: Oh dear, I am crying again. I am upset to have lost my home. Oh dear and now I have fallen down and sprained my ankle. Legolas, please pick me up in your strong arms and carry me to Leaekdnvlskenf.

_We are so anticipating the physical contact that we do not notice the fake place._

Legolas: My arms are strong and I smell like trees.

_We swoon._

Gandalf: Well, off we nine companions go to save Middle Earth.

_Readers are pleased by the new addition. Notice-Everything Reader flames The Author that there should be ten companions now. We are all slightly puzzled at the lack of Boromir, but instead, banish Notice-Everything Reader for making sense. We are now anxiously awaiting the next chapter, as we are all hooked._


	2. Scene Two

**Scene Two: In Which there are Several Meaningful Conversations and also there is Boromir.**

as i wuz

_Uh oh._

walkin along after lunch in my fav field by a h20fall, outside my house in delaware i saw a man i hadnt not evr seen b4 at 1st i wuz afraid i wuz petctrfied thinkin i culd nvr live w/o u by my side (lolololol I hav a sense of humer! Lololol dont u luv that song?? Lolololol)

_We hate her._

the man wuz wearing strange clothes aand he wuz HOT! i said my names mandi he sed his wuz boramire.

_ We do not like Boromir because he is EVIL and NOT a complex character who struggles between his responsibility to his father and people against his vow to protect an object of power. We skip this part because we cannot understand what the author is saying and do not grasp the concept of a tragic hero. _

Meanwhile, back at the Ranch that looks like the Mines of Moria...

Jessica: This is such a very strange place. I miss my home. While I lay awake dreaming of my house, Aragorn will comfort me.

Aragorn: Lady Jessica, what could possibly be the matter? My eyes shine with concern.

Jessica: This is such a very strange place. I miss my home. I lay awake dreaming of my house. Please comfort me.

Legolas watches Aragorn comfort Jessica and grows increasingly jealous.

Legolas: I am growing increasingly jealous. Why is this bothering me? I am a hot Prince of Mirkwood and an elf. She is a devastatingly beautiful girl from America who is here under mysterious circumstances. This cannot possibly lead to anything, as there is nothing between us.

_We all grin and feel mighty and knowing._

Aragorn and Jessica sit on a rock and gaze at the night sky, talking about Jessica's home and Aragorn's desire to be King. He shares his fears with her as he has never been able to do with anyone else. She is confused that she cannot find her favorite constellations and he points out that it is because she is in Middle Earth. He shows her new constellations. Then they talk about his wanting to be King again. This is nice.

_We love them both, and do not accept the fact that the Author continues to claim that they have a brother/sister relationship. Notice-Everything Reader observes in an overly annoying fashion that you cannot see the stars from the depths of Moria. He is banished yet again._

The Author then recites EVERY line in the next three corresponding scenes of the movie.

_Interestingly enough, we are not bored by this and read every line out loud with the same inflection that the actors use. We are pleased with ourselves._

Jessica: Oh dear! I am about to be attacked by the cave troll! I cannot defend myself, even though Sam the Gardener has never killed anything either and is still doing a brilliant job of hitting assorted evil-doers with culinary objects.

Legolas watches as the troll advances upon Jessica. He is horrified and fires and arrow that immediately kills the troll, despite the fact that it ACTUALLY dies after being stabbed numerous times by Merry and Pippen and THEN shot by the son of Thranduil. In an instant, the elf prince realizes that he is in love with Jessica, which makes sense because of the numerous meaningful conversations they have had and common interests such as prophesizing things and underwater basket weaving. He ponders this as they leave the mines and he helps Jessica along, who was suffering from yet another sprained ankle. He gazes down at her perfect features and there are metaphors aplenty as her delicate face and body and hair and nails and elbows are again illustrated. Also, Gandalf dies.

Aragorn: Arwen is completely forgotten as I gaze at Jessica. She is pretty.

_We are shocked to hear this, and silently wish we were Jessica. We also hope there is a sex scene soon, because this IS a romance fic, after all._

Frodo: I almost died, but that doesn't matter. At least Jessica is safe.

_We smile, beginning to see a pattern here. What extraordinary talent The Author has! We read on in growing wonder._

Gimli: I think some of the men may like Jessica. I shall ask her about it later and say "lassie" a lot.

Pippin: Even though The Author said before that we all drank a magic potion that made us regular height, I am inexplicably still hobbit-sized. This makes me cute.

Sam: She's nice. I think I like her, but what if Frodo does too?! I can't go against my best friend, but I also can't ignore my heart. What would Jon Stewart do?

_We are not at all confused by the mention of an American comedian. JS spans across all the ages and dimensions. _

Merry: I never have any lines.

Meanwhile, Back in Delaware...

boramire looked kinda shifty as i studyed him. he sed he wuz frm middle erth. i laughed & asked him if he thought i wuz cUte. he just glowered.

READ? REVIEW!


	3. Scene Three

**Scene Three: In Which Everyone Thinks Jessica is Pretty and Some Plot Happens.**

More on Delaware and the Son of Gondor...

i dun kno where boramire is. i went to bring him back to my house an all the sudden he wuz gone. i hope nothing baf happened to him. he wuz lookin rly weird after i asked him if i could blow his horn of gondor. (hehehe i bet u guys nvr thought of the horn of gondor like that)

_She is right. Never in all our time of reading fanfiction have we ever come across the old Blow my Horn of Gondor ruse. We are very amused at this new development and add it as our signature on IMDB._

Middle Earth...

The Fellowship arrived at the elf-place.

_We ponder the brilliance of shortening the name of Lothlorien and wonder what could possibly happen next to everyone._

Haldir: Hello, I am Haldir. You will forget my name in the next three seconds, because no one cares about me until I die tragically.

_He is right._

Haldir: (contd.) Diolch yn fawr? Rydw i'n siarad. Cymraeg Noswaith dda.

_We are frantic as we search for the translation on all of our bookmarked Sindarin-English websites, but to no avail. However, we totally believe that The Author is speaking genuine Elvish and that it is us who are inadequate._

Jessica: I will now have a nice long bath and change into one of the many dresses provided for me in my wardrobe, even though the remaining members of my party seem to be sleeping under a tree.

She does. When she emerges, she is even more beautiful than before, so obviously The Author feels the need to describe her all over again, and goes into overload at the copious, bountiful, plentiful, abundant usage of dramatic, theatrical, melodramatic similes.

Legolas: You are even more beautiful than before!

Jessica: I can read, you know.

_We all laugh because she is charming. She also has no idea that Legolas loves her. This is very sweet._

Suddenly, Galadriel appears.

_We are threatened by her presence, because we are ever so loyal to Jessica. The Author senses this, and realizes that none of the males are allowed to think anyone is pretty but Jessica. Galadriel disappears in a puff of editing._

The Fellowship stands around on a balcony looking glorious.

Gandalf: Jessica, I have to tell you something. You are the key to Middle Earth.

_We are SHOCKED! Jessica is the key? Finally, it makes sense that she was plunged into Middle Earth to create a 10th Walker Fic, (or in this case, a 9th Walker fic, as Boromir's disappearance both here and in Delaware gives us all a pause for thought.)_

Jessica: I am the key? I must have special duties to uphold. Quick, describe my smorgasbord of special talents that have not manifested until this moment.

_Several Fannon HP fans scream that Jessica is a MAGID! We yell at them to go back to Draco in Leather, this is OUR fandom! They sulk off to write a crossover._

Jessica suddenly has a smorgasbord of special powers. This is impressive. Everyone sits around and talks for a while about how to beat Sauron, and then Aragorn tells everyone that he wants to be King…again.

_We suddenly remember that Gandalf is supposed to have Fallen into Shadow. The embarrassed Author finally catches on after several flames, and changes this appearance to a dream-sequence._

Legolas is awakened to the sounds of soft crying. He quickly finds Jessica to be the source of it all. Her teary blue eyes gazed up at him as he warily moved towards her.

_Notice-Everything Reader states that her eyes were green. Everyone else snaps back that if he had read the summary, he would know that her eye and hair color changes with the seasons._

Legolas kneels beside her and brushed her blonde hair away from her face. She smiles and touches the tips of his ears. He smiles because this turns him on.

_We are confused and thought that Legolas was an innocent little elf, but are excited now that things are getting heated up._

He softly meets his oral cavity with hers and her lips part. Their spirits intertwine as he explores the crevices of her mouth with his tongue. Merry sits alone watching them, muttering about how he never gets any action, and would much rather be in a slash fic right about now. Jessica suddenly breaks the kiss.

_We all curse her under our breath._

Jessica: Legolas, I must tell you something. Gandalf appeared to me in a dream.

Legolas looks relatively unmoved by this, but a little miffed by their broken contact.

Jessica: He told me that I was the key. I don't know what to do! How can I use all my new special powers and secret tricks to defeat Sauron at the last possible minute in a fairly nonchalant manner?

Legolas laughs softly.

Legolas: Jessica, melethril, it's ok. That's just the plot.

Jessica: But…but I thought I was destined to save Middle Earth!

Legolas quickly covers his mouth with hers in a deep and meaningful kiss. Then he pulls away and his blue eyes meet her honey ones.

_Notice-Everthing Reader spontaneously combusts._

Legolas: Jessica, this is a romance fic. No one will ever read that far.

After a moment, Jessica smiles softly, and pulls him to her yet again.

Delaware...

boramire looks pretty much panikced as I find him cowering behind a rock itz weird how so huge and strong a man can be so terrified of me, lil ol' mAnDi. o well, I geuss I have pleantie of time to figure that out!!1!

FIN


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